The Colon Cleanse

Sometimes, no matter how much you think you know about a person, they will surprise the heck out of you.
My sweetie, Maggie, with no fanfare, and in her quiet unassuming way, had been gently steering me into a healthier lifestyle.
While I hadn't violently resisted, I hadn't exactly embraced the idea either.
I figured maybe it was time to give it a try.
I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.
"Thanks for caring," I said.
"You're welcome," she replied.
I had thought that the path to an enlightened way of living was not so bad: just eat healthier food and take a few pills each day, but I soon discovered that I had only taken the first few baby steps in my transformation.
One evening we had just polished off a large pepperoni lover’s from Pizza Hut. I was wiping the grease off my fingers when Maggie delivered her next salvo in my lifestyle overhaul.
“Walt, we eat entirely too much meat and grease. We need to do a colon cleanse.”
“Say what?”
“A colon cleanse. Over the years, especially as we grow older, mucous and fecal material build up in your colon.”
I looked at the glom clinging to the bottom of the pizza carton. That thought wasn’t how I wanted to finish off my meal.
“There’s nothing wrong with my colon.”
“Oh really? And just how do you know that?”
“Well, everything I eat seems to come out—eventually.”
“Experts say you should clean your colon of mucous, fecal matter, and parasites every year. Have you ever done it?”
“Parasites? What are you talking about?”
“You know, tapeworms, stuff like that.”
I looked at a piece of stringy cheese on the side of the box and noticed a queasy feeling in my stomach.
“Is this all really necessary?”
“Let me tell you a story. When Elvis died, they did an autopsy. His colon was filled with over seventy pounds of impacted fecal material—mostly old cheeseburgers and fries.”
This was way more information than I wanted to hear about my most cherished idol. “So how does this cleanse thing work?”
She produced a bottle of pills. I guess it was a foregone conclusion that we were
both going to be cleansed.
“We just take five of these at bedtime, and in the morning nature will take its course.”
Dutifully, I swallowed the pills.
At 6:00 a.m. the next morning, I had a rude awakening. It felt as if a volcano was about to erupt in my lower regions. Fortunately, the bathroom wasn’t far, and I waddled toward it with my cheeks clinched shut.
My butt hit the seat just in time, and in the next three minutes everything I had ever eaten from last night’s pizza to the hot dogs I ate after my senior prom came pouring out. I staggered from the bathroom, a beaten man.
Maggie greeted me in the kitchen.
“Now doesn’t that feel better?”
Actually, it felt like my asshole was on fire, but I smiled and said, “Yes! That was just grand!”
I opened my paper, drank my coffee, and ate my cereal, but before I had finished the comics, the fiber kicked in. I felt another rumbling in my stomach and made a beeline for the bathroom.
I was in the midst of another colon scourge when I heard the phone ring.
“Oh, swell. Here I am pouring out my guts, and I have to share the experience with someone on the line. This day just isn’t starting well.”
I opened the door just far enough for Maggie to hand me the phone. I thought I heard her cough and mutter, “Oh my God!”
“This is Walt.”
“Ox here. I was so excited about what we learned from Dr. Pearson I just couldn’t sleep. Can I pick you up a half hour early?”
“Just then, an enormous gas bubble reverberated from the porcelain throne.
“What was that noise?”
“Never mind. Where are you now?”
“I’m actually on the way.”
“Give me a few minutes. I’m just --- uhh --- finishing up a project I started last night.”
By the time Ox arrived, I thought I had everything under control, but two blocks from the apartment, mother nature struck again.
“Ox! Quick! Pull into that 7-Eleven!”
“What’s the emergency?”
“If you don’t pull over, we’ll be giving our car to Hazmat!”
After one final cleanse, I emerged from the can and saw an elderly gentleman who had been patiently waiting for his turn.
As I was walking away, I heard him mutter, “Good Lord!”

************************************************************************
An excerpt from the Lady Justice mystery/comedy series by Robert Thornhill
http://booksbybob.com/

CHAPTER 35

Chapter 35

So far so good!
After a year of wearing the big 'S' (for self-published) on my forehead and being rejected by the bookstore biggies, I have experienced a very refreshing and satisfying two months since the release of my third mystery/comedy novel, Lady Justice Gets Lei'd.
As you can imagine from the title, the plot takes place in Hawaii, specifically on the island on Maui.
My wife, Peg, and I just returned from two weeks on that beautiful island where we had four book signing events anchored by the new Barnes & Noble in Lahaina.
It's difficult to describe the thrill of walking into a major bookstore for the first time and seeing your name, a huge poster with the cover of your book and a stack of your novels on display.
While I'm still a galaxy away from being considered a successful author, at least now I feel like I'm on the right track.
The Tate marketing team has performed as promised.
They have set up events in three huge Barnes & Nobles, a Borders and two Hastings bookstores.
Two days after our return from Maui, we had an event at the Barnes & Noble on the beautiful Country Club Plaza.
While the customers weren't exactly lined up out the door and down the sidewalk to meet me like they have with Steven Tyler and Sara Palin, we had a good day and sold some books --- enough books that they have scheduled a second event in June.
Also satisfying is the response of my readers who are coming back to buy the second and third installments of the Lady Justice series.
My goal in writing is to make people laugh and take them away, if just for a few hours, from the sadness and tragedy that fills the newscasts and newspapers.
When I get reviews like the following, it certainly makes it all worthwhile:

"This is the third book in the Lady Justice series. Each one is better than the last, which is saying a lot because the first one was fantastic. Mr. Thornhill has a wonderful sense of humor which he sprinkles liberally throughout his stories. If you have a grandfather, a dad in his retirement years, or you yourself are of the AARP generation you will not be able to hold back your laughter as you read your way through the Lady Justice series. Can't wait for the next installment! "

And speaking of the next installment, Lady Justice And The Avenging Angels is in the editing phase at Tate Publishing.
I'm hoping for a release sometime in the fall.
In the interim, I'm pursuing the marketing of Lady Justice with a vengeance.
For videos, book trailers, radio interviews and reader reviews, check out my website at http://booksbybob.com .

Chapter 34

Lei'd at last!
I'm talking about my book life; not my social life!
The third novel in my Lady Justice series, Lady Justice Gets Lei'd was released on March 22nd, 2011.
Lei'd, along with the first two novels in the series, Lady Justice Takes A C.R.A.P. City Retiree Action Patrol and Lady Justice And The Lost Tapes, are all now available for worldwide distribution.
It has been two months since Tate Publishing released the first two novels and I'll admit I was somewhat skeptical about the marketing and publicity support that was promised.
While the jury is still out, I am pleased with the results so far.
As a beginning self-published author, I couldn't get the biggies like Barnes & Noble to give me the time of day.
So far, Tate has scheduled book signing events at the big Barnes & Noble on the Country Club Plaza and at a Hastings Bookstore.
They tell me that the media team is busy contacting more venues for future events.
Since Lady Justice Gets Lei'd is set in Hawaii, Peg and I have a two week trip planned for Maui. Tate is working on scheduling book signing events on the island to introduce the new release.
The multi-media department at Tate prepared video trailers for the first two books and are working on the trailer for #3.
The trailers are 15 second spots that are to be aired on Discovery, Fox News, History Channel, Lifetime, Food Network, TLC, A&E, HGTV, ESPN, USA Network, CNN Headline News, AMC, Angel One, Animal Planet, The Weather Channel and CMT.
I was surprised to receive an email with an audio ad that had been aired on 342 radio stations creating 10,000 impressions.
Press releases were sent to radio and television stations as well as newspapers in the Greater Kansas City area.
So far --- so good.
I have learned that writing the book is the easiest part (at least it is for me) of this whole process.
Books don't get read unless people know they're out there and the monumental task of marketing is most certainly a joint effort of the publisher and the author.
I finished the manuscript for the fourth installment in the Lady Justice series, Lady Justice And The Avenging Angels.
Contracts have been signed and production starts in May.
I am hoping for a release date before the end of the year.
Wow! What a ride!
It was almost exactly two years ago that I wrote the first word of my first book at the ripe old age of sixty-six.
Now, four mystery/comedy novels, seven chapter books for children, a cookbook and a mini-biography later, I'm having the time of my life.
Who says an old dog can't learn new tricks?
Website
Video Trailer

CHAPTER 33

Chapter 33

At last the day has come!
February,1, 2011 is the official release date for my two Lady Justice mystery/comedy novels.
They are both now available on line and through every bookstore.
Tate Publishing is re-releasing a revised edition of my first self-published novel, Lady Justice Takes A C.R.A.P., and the first edition of the second installment, Lady Justice And The Lost Tapes.
It has been a long process.
It was exactly a year ago that I signed my contract with Tate Publishing.
So far, Tate has done everything they promised; a month of copy editing, a month of conceptual editing and the creation of beautiful covers for the books.
The finished products are everything I had hoped for.
Now that the books are available through all of the distribution channels, it's time for the next phase, marketing.
I have been assigned marketing, publicity and media representatives by Tate and have high expectations for the coming year.
They are preparing video trailers for the books that will be aired numerous times on commercial television.
For the past year, as a self-published author, my book signing events were limited to craft fairs and art shows, but this year I am looking forward to being featured in major book store chains and other media exposure.
The third installment in my Lady Justice series, Lady Justice Gets Lei'd, is scheduled for release by Tate on March 22nd, 2011.
I should be an exciting year!
http://booksbybob.com