The Colon Cleanse

Sometimes, no matter how much you think you know about a person, they will surprise the heck out of you.
My sweetie, Maggie, with no fanfare, and in her quiet unassuming way, had been gently steering me into a healthier lifestyle.
While I hadn't violently resisted, I hadn't exactly embraced the idea either.
I figured maybe it was time to give it a try.
I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.
"Thanks for caring," I said.
"You're welcome," she replied.
I had thought that the path to an enlightened way of living was not so bad: just eat healthier food and take a few pills each day, but I soon discovered that I had only taken the first few baby steps in my transformation.
One evening we had just polished off a large pepperoni lover’s from Pizza Hut. I was wiping the grease off my fingers when Maggie delivered her next salvo in my lifestyle overhaul.
“Walt, we eat entirely too much meat and grease. We need to do a colon cleanse.”
“Say what?”
“A colon cleanse. Over the years, especially as we grow older, mucous and fecal material build up in your colon.”
I looked at the glom clinging to the bottom of the pizza carton. That thought wasn’t how I wanted to finish off my meal.
“There’s nothing wrong with my colon.”
“Oh really? And just how do you know that?”
“Well, everything I eat seems to come out—eventually.”
“Experts say you should clean your colon of mucous, fecal matter, and parasites every year. Have you ever done it?”
“Parasites? What are you talking about?”
“You know, tapeworms, stuff like that.”
I looked at a piece of stringy cheese on the side of the box and noticed a queasy feeling in my stomach.
“Is this all really necessary?”
“Let me tell you a story. When Elvis died, they did an autopsy. His colon was filled with over seventy pounds of impacted fecal material—mostly old cheeseburgers and fries.”
This was way more information than I wanted to hear about my most cherished idol. “So how does this cleanse thing work?”
She produced a bottle of pills. I guess it was a foregone conclusion that we were
both going to be cleansed.
“We just take five of these at bedtime, and in the morning nature will take its course.”
Dutifully, I swallowed the pills.
At 6:00 a.m. the next morning, I had a rude awakening. It felt as if a volcano was about to erupt in my lower regions. Fortunately, the bathroom wasn’t far, and I waddled toward it with my cheeks clinched shut.
My butt hit the seat just in time, and in the next three minutes everything I had ever eaten from last night’s pizza to the hot dogs I ate after my senior prom came pouring out. I staggered from the bathroom, a beaten man.
Maggie greeted me in the kitchen.
“Now doesn’t that feel better?”
Actually, it felt like my asshole was on fire, but I smiled and said, “Yes! That was just grand!”
I opened my paper, drank my coffee, and ate my cereal, but before I had finished the comics, the fiber kicked in. I felt another rumbling in my stomach and made a beeline for the bathroom.
I was in the midst of another colon scourge when I heard the phone ring.
“Oh, swell. Here I am pouring out my guts, and I have to share the experience with someone on the line. This day just isn’t starting well.”
I opened the door just far enough for Maggie to hand me the phone. I thought I heard her cough and mutter, “Oh my God!”
“This is Walt.”
“Ox here. I was so excited about what we learned from Dr. Pearson I just couldn’t sleep. Can I pick you up a half hour early?”
“Just then, an enormous gas bubble reverberated from the porcelain throne.
“What was that noise?”
“Never mind. Where are you now?”
“I’m actually on the way.”
“Give me a few minutes. I’m just --- uhh --- finishing up a project I started last night.”
By the time Ox arrived, I thought I had everything under control, but two blocks from the apartment, mother nature struck again.
“Ox! Quick! Pull into that 7-Eleven!”
“What’s the emergency?”
“If you don’t pull over, we’ll be giving our car to Hazmat!”
After one final cleanse, I emerged from the can and saw an elderly gentleman who had been patiently waiting for his turn.
As I was walking away, I heard him mutter, “Good Lord!”

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An excerpt from the Lady Justice mystery/comedy series by Robert Thornhill
http://booksbybob.com/