The Colon Cleanse

Sometimes, no matter how much you think you know about a person, they will surprise the heck out of you.
My sweetie, Maggie, with no fanfare, and in her quiet unassuming way, had been gently steering me into a healthier lifestyle.
While I hadn't violently resisted, I hadn't exactly embraced the idea either.
I figured maybe it was time to give it a try.
I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.
"Thanks for caring," I said.
"You're welcome," she replied.
I had thought that the path to an enlightened way of living was not so bad: just eat healthier food and take a few pills each day, but I soon discovered that I had only taken the first few baby steps in my transformation.
One evening we had just polished off a large pepperoni lover’s from Pizza Hut. I was wiping the grease off my fingers when Maggie delivered her next salvo in my lifestyle overhaul.
“Walt, we eat entirely too much meat and grease. We need to do a colon cleanse.”
“Say what?”
“A colon cleanse. Over the years, especially as we grow older, mucous and fecal material build up in your colon.”
I looked at the glom clinging to the bottom of the pizza carton. That thought wasn’t how I wanted to finish off my meal.
“There’s nothing wrong with my colon.”
“Oh really? And just how do you know that?”
“Well, everything I eat seems to come out—eventually.”
“Experts say you should clean your colon of mucous, fecal matter, and parasites every year. Have you ever done it?”
“Parasites? What are you talking about?”
“You know, tapeworms, stuff like that.”
I looked at a piece of stringy cheese on the side of the box and noticed a queasy feeling in my stomach.
“Is this all really necessary?”
“Let me tell you a story. When Elvis died, they did an autopsy. His colon was filled with over seventy pounds of impacted fecal material—mostly old cheeseburgers and fries.”
This was way more information than I wanted to hear about my most cherished idol. “So how does this cleanse thing work?”
She produced a bottle of pills. I guess it was a foregone conclusion that we were
both going to be cleansed.
“We just take five of these at bedtime, and in the morning nature will take its course.”
Dutifully, I swallowed the pills.
At 6:00 a.m. the next morning, I had a rude awakening. It felt as if a volcano was about to erupt in my lower regions. Fortunately, the bathroom wasn’t far, and I waddled toward it with my cheeks clinched shut.
My butt hit the seat just in time, and in the next three minutes everything I had ever eaten from last night’s pizza to the hot dogs I ate after my senior prom came pouring out. I staggered from the bathroom, a beaten man.
Maggie greeted me in the kitchen.
“Now doesn’t that feel better?”
Actually, it felt like my asshole was on fire, but I smiled and said, “Yes! That was just grand!”
I opened my paper, drank my coffee, and ate my cereal, but before I had finished the comics, the fiber kicked in. I felt another rumbling in my stomach and made a beeline for the bathroom.
I was in the midst of another colon scourge when I heard the phone ring.
“Oh, swell. Here I am pouring out my guts, and I have to share the experience with someone on the line. This day just isn’t starting well.”
I opened the door just far enough for Maggie to hand me the phone. I thought I heard her cough and mutter, “Oh my God!”
“This is Walt.”
“Ox here. I was so excited about what we learned from Dr. Pearson I just couldn’t sleep. Can I pick you up a half hour early?”
“Just then, an enormous gas bubble reverberated from the porcelain throne.
“What was that noise?”
“Never mind. Where are you now?”
“I’m actually on the way.”
“Give me a few minutes. I’m just --- uhh --- finishing up a project I started last night.”
By the time Ox arrived, I thought I had everything under control, but two blocks from the apartment, mother nature struck again.
“Ox! Quick! Pull into that 7-Eleven!”
“What’s the emergency?”
“If you don’t pull over, we’ll be giving our car to Hazmat!”
After one final cleanse, I emerged from the can and saw an elderly gentleman who had been patiently waiting for his turn.
As I was walking away, I heard him mutter, “Good Lord!”

************************************************************************
An excerpt from the Lady Justice mystery/comedy series by Robert Thornhill
http://booksbybob.com/

CHAPTER 35

Chapter 35

So far so good!
After a year of wearing the big 'S' (for self-published) on my forehead and being rejected by the bookstore biggies, I have experienced a very refreshing and satisfying two months since the release of my third mystery/comedy novel, Lady Justice Gets Lei'd.
As you can imagine from the title, the plot takes place in Hawaii, specifically on the island on Maui.
My wife, Peg, and I just returned from two weeks on that beautiful island where we had four book signing events anchored by the new Barnes & Noble in Lahaina.
It's difficult to describe the thrill of walking into a major bookstore for the first time and seeing your name, a huge poster with the cover of your book and a stack of your novels on display.
While I'm still a galaxy away from being considered a successful author, at least now I feel like I'm on the right track.
The Tate marketing team has performed as promised.
They have set up events in three huge Barnes & Nobles, a Borders and two Hastings bookstores.
Two days after our return from Maui, we had an event at the Barnes & Noble on the beautiful Country Club Plaza.
While the customers weren't exactly lined up out the door and down the sidewalk to meet me like they have with Steven Tyler and Sara Palin, we had a good day and sold some books --- enough books that they have scheduled a second event in June.
Also satisfying is the response of my readers who are coming back to buy the second and third installments of the Lady Justice series.
My goal in writing is to make people laugh and take them away, if just for a few hours, from the sadness and tragedy that fills the newscasts and newspapers.
When I get reviews like the following, it certainly makes it all worthwhile:

"This is the third book in the Lady Justice series. Each one is better than the last, which is saying a lot because the first one was fantastic. Mr. Thornhill has a wonderful sense of humor which he sprinkles liberally throughout his stories. If you have a grandfather, a dad in his retirement years, or you yourself are of the AARP generation you will not be able to hold back your laughter as you read your way through the Lady Justice series. Can't wait for the next installment! "

And speaking of the next installment, Lady Justice And The Avenging Angels is in the editing phase at Tate Publishing.
I'm hoping for a release sometime in the fall.
In the interim, I'm pursuing the marketing of Lady Justice with a vengeance.
For videos, book trailers, radio interviews and reader reviews, check out my website at http://booksbybob.com .

Chapter 34

Lei'd at last!
I'm talking about my book life; not my social life!
The third novel in my Lady Justice series, Lady Justice Gets Lei'd was released on March 22nd, 2011.
Lei'd, along with the first two novels in the series, Lady Justice Takes A C.R.A.P. City Retiree Action Patrol and Lady Justice And The Lost Tapes, are all now available for worldwide distribution.
It has been two months since Tate Publishing released the first two novels and I'll admit I was somewhat skeptical about the marketing and publicity support that was promised.
While the jury is still out, I am pleased with the results so far.
As a beginning self-published author, I couldn't get the biggies like Barnes & Noble to give me the time of day.
So far, Tate has scheduled book signing events at the big Barnes & Noble on the Country Club Plaza and at a Hastings Bookstore.
They tell me that the media team is busy contacting more venues for future events.
Since Lady Justice Gets Lei'd is set in Hawaii, Peg and I have a two week trip planned for Maui. Tate is working on scheduling book signing events on the island to introduce the new release.
The multi-media department at Tate prepared video trailers for the first two books and are working on the trailer for #3.
The trailers are 15 second spots that are to be aired on Discovery, Fox News, History Channel, Lifetime, Food Network, TLC, A&E, HGTV, ESPN, USA Network, CNN Headline News, AMC, Angel One, Animal Planet, The Weather Channel and CMT.
I was surprised to receive an email with an audio ad that had been aired on 342 radio stations creating 10,000 impressions.
Press releases were sent to radio and television stations as well as newspapers in the Greater Kansas City area.
So far --- so good.
I have learned that writing the book is the easiest part (at least it is for me) of this whole process.
Books don't get read unless people know they're out there and the monumental task of marketing is most certainly a joint effort of the publisher and the author.
I finished the manuscript for the fourth installment in the Lady Justice series, Lady Justice And The Avenging Angels.
Contracts have been signed and production starts in May.
I am hoping for a release date before the end of the year.
Wow! What a ride!
It was almost exactly two years ago that I wrote the first word of my first book at the ripe old age of sixty-six.
Now, four mystery/comedy novels, seven chapter books for children, a cookbook and a mini-biography later, I'm having the time of my life.
Who says an old dog can't learn new tricks?
Website
Video Trailer

CHAPTER 33

Chapter 33

At last the day has come!
February,1, 2011 is the official release date for my two Lady Justice mystery/comedy novels.
They are both now available on line and through every bookstore.
Tate Publishing is re-releasing a revised edition of my first self-published novel, Lady Justice Takes A C.R.A.P., and the first edition of the second installment, Lady Justice And The Lost Tapes.
It has been a long process.
It was exactly a year ago that I signed my contract with Tate Publishing.
So far, Tate has done everything they promised; a month of copy editing, a month of conceptual editing and the creation of beautiful covers for the books.
The finished products are everything I had hoped for.
Now that the books are available through all of the distribution channels, it's time for the next phase, marketing.
I have been assigned marketing, publicity and media representatives by Tate and have high expectations for the coming year.
They are preparing video trailers for the books that will be aired numerous times on commercial television.
For the past year, as a self-published author, my book signing events were limited to craft fairs and art shows, but this year I am looking forward to being featured in major book store chains and other media exposure.
The third installment in my Lady Justice series, Lady Justice Gets Lei'd, is scheduled for release by Tate on March 22nd, 2011.
I should be an exciting year!
http://booksbybob.com

Attention Authors! You Show Me Yours And I'll Show You Mine

I am a new author and in the past year and a half I have written three mystery/comedy novels in the Lady Justice series.
I have discovered, as I'm sure most of you have, if you're not Sarah Palin or George Bush, people are not lined up at the bookstore to buy your book.
Before donning the author hat, I was a realtor for 32 years. Much like being an author with a new book, just because a guy has a new real estate license, people probably aren't going to be beating down his door.
I learned quickly back then that the key to success is self-promotion --- that's not bragging, it's just letting people know you're out there and have a valuable product or service to offer.
There were hundreds of realtors in my market, so why should someone pick me to represent them?
There are millions of books in print. How are people going to find mine in the vast sea of published titles?
For an author, there seems to be a formula that many follow. First, you hope you have a publisher that will represent you and promote you to the bookstores and the public. Second, you schedule personal appearances at as many book signing events as possible. Third, you begin networking on the social media sites. Fourth, you write material for a blog or e-news magazine, and fifth, you set up a website to promote your books.
It is no coincidence that the responsibility for four of these five things falls directly on the shoulders of the author.
What I have discovered is that actually writing the novels was the easiest part of this whole process!
What I would like to discuss in this article is the author website.
A website and a new book have much in common. You can have a brilliantly written book, but if nobody knows about it, it will never be read. You can have a magnificent website, but unless people can find it, no one will come.
For me, the website was like my novel; building the site was easy and fun, but getting it seen is a nightmare.
I am sixty-seven years old and, as a realtor, had to be computer savvy, but this website promotion stuff was a whole new world. I soon learned that this 'old dog' had better learn some new tricks!
Fortunately, my son is a geek. He introduced me to the previously unknown world of search engine optimization, site directories, and back links. WHEW!
This whole 'getting noticed' thing seems to be a vicious circle. If no one ever visits your website, you will have a low ranking on the search engines and your site will be buried on page fifty-seven. But as more people visit and link to your site, your page ranking gets higher. He explained that getting listed in the site directories was one way to increase traffic. Another way was to have links from other people's website to yours --- back links --- reciprocal links.
That means that you find someone willing to trade links. You put a link to my website on your website and vise-versa.
That sounded pretty cool but I just couldn't see links to Joe's Auto Parts or the Pizza Pantry on my author website.
But having a page with links to other authors would fit right in.
My goal is to build a page on my website titled "Author Links". On that page would be categories for the various writing genres, mystery, romance, non-fiction, occult, etc.
The visitor would click on his topic of choice and links to the websites of authors writing in that genre would be available.
In return, of course, each author would have my link on her or her website. These reciprocal links will be seen by the bots and spiders and raise the page ranking for both sites. A win-win situation.
If you are an author interested in participating in exchanging reciprocal links, you may contact me at booksbybob@hotmail.com.
Check out my website at http://www.booksbybob.com.

Lady Justice Mystery/Comedy Novel Series

booksbybob.com



Senior citizens fighting crime, a laugh-out-loud mystery series

What's Your Pick-up Line?

In the fourteen months since my first book was published, my wife and I have participated in twenty-eight book signing events.
Our experience at these events has made one thing abundantly clear --- nobody really cares!
Oh sure, if you send invitations to your close friends and family, they will come. But let's face it, they would come to see your dog being shaved if you ask them nice enough.
We have had book signings at libraries, bookstores, craft fairs, senior centers and shopping malls, and at each event, people pass within inches of us and it's like we're invisible.
We have a ten foot table with all twelve of my books and a huge sign saying "Meet The Author". How can you miss it?
Now I can understand folks shying away from a grizzled, grey-haired, sixty-seven year old guy, but my wife is eye candy!
Actually, I really do understand. When I put myself in their place, I do the same thing.
When I see one of those guys at the mall demonstrating those super chamois things that soak up gallons of water, I am curious, but I stay just far enough away so that the guy can't engage me in conversation.
Same thing.
We've learned one important lesson; if you don't talk to people, you won't sell books.
There's a really fine line between engaging people in conversation and being a pest. You can't just reach out and grab them.
The upside is that when people do stop to talk to us, we'll sell a book about 50% of the time.
I don't try to talk to people who ignore me completely or rush by like their pants are on fire, but when someone slows to see what's on the table, I know I have about 5 seconds to capture their interest.
"Are you a book reader?" works in craft fairs and senior centers, but is redundant in bookstores and libraries.
"What kind of books do you like?" sometimes works.
"Do you have any book readers on your Christmas list?" works around the holidays.
Sometimes I feel like the schmuck at the singles bar who sidles up beside the girl and says "Hi babe, what's your sign?" Not the greatest pick-up line.
If you have some successful lines that have worked for you, I'd love to hear them.
My email is booksbybob@hotmail.com and my website is http://booksbybob.com.

Lady Justice Mystery/Comedy Novel Series

booksbybob.com



Senior citizens fighting crime, a laugh-out-loud mystery series

The Tears And Triumphs Of A New Author Chapter 32

CHAPTER 32


There are so many things in life that one just can’t understand until they’ve lived it.
Writing a book and getting it published is one of those things.
A year and a half ago, I would have bet anything that getting the story out of my mind and onto paper would have been the biggest challenge.
Nothing could have been further from the truth.
I loved the writing process.
Once I got “into the zone”, it was like I had diarrhea of the brain. Once it got started, I just couldn’t shut it off. (Hmmm, I hope that metaphor doesn’t extend to include what actually came out!).
As any writer knows, the hardest part is getting the book published.
Like the vast majority of new writers, I was totally ignored by the big publishers and the successful literary agents, and chose the road of self-publishing.
It is not a decision I regret.
Everything happens for a reason.
So often, when things come too easily, we don’t appreciate them, and conversely, when we have to work hard, we more fully understand the value of what we have accomplished.
By traveling this road for the past year, I have learned a lot about the publishing business, but even more important, I have learned that I have so much more to learn.
Sometimes, things happen that we just don’t understand.
I submitted query letters to many large publishers and agents, but Tate was the last I had expected to hear from.
Tate is a Christian-oriented publisher and my Lady Justice novels just didn’t seem to fit into their traditional offerings, but I wasn’t about to argue with them.
If my experience getting my book in print with Authorhouse was Chapter 1 of my writing career, then marketing my book for a year as a self-published author was Chapter 2.
Chapter 3 began nine months ago when I signed my contract with Tate for Lady Justice Takes A C.R.A.P. and Lady Justice And The Lost Tapes.
Even though I had seen on every publisher’s website that producing a book takes one to two years, it’s still one of those things you can’t understand until you’ve lived it.
Hmmmm! Nine months --- I wonder if it’s just a coincidence that the gestation period for my first two novels was the same as for my two children?
Wait three months to get on the schedule; one month for copy editing; one month for conceptual editing; one month for cover creation; another month for layout design --- whew!
You know you’re about ready to give birth when you get the email that says, “The editing department has received and reviewed your final proof and we are nearing the printing phase!”
And finally, “I look forward to wrapping up production. A member of our marketing team will contact you by the end of next week.”
This was the message I wanted to hear.
If I may use a football metaphor, promoting my book as a self-published author was like being a running back and trying to move the football without the benefit of an offensive line or a blocking back. You’ll get caught behind the line of scrimmage every time.
I had read online about the marketing support for Tate authors:

In 2009, for the first time in history, more books were sold outside the walls of brick and mortar bookstores than inside. Certainly this reflects the strength of online retailers such as Amazon and bn.com, but it also reflects the truth that there are a variety of ways for an author to reach the intended, target audience. Bookstores are one element of success, but in bookstores, readers must find the book and author. Finding the target audience for a book involves taking the book to the reader, engaging the reader, and being proactive, not reactive, in the pursuit of success. No one attacks the niche market for their authors the way Tate Publishing does for our fine authors. This month alone we have scheduled over 500 niche events for Tate authors, helping our authors engage the community and create broad visibility in a variety of markets.
And remember, if you are a Tate Publishing author, you NEVER have to go it alone. You have a Marketing Representative at your right hand with a team that rep can mobilize to try something new. Our expertise (some of it formed through our own trial and error) should be a wealth of wisdom about what works and what doesn't, and we can help place you on the path to success as we work toward that end.

I now have two Lady Justice novels ready to go and the third will be ready in a few months.
I’m ready to carry the ball, only this time, Tate Publishing will be my offensive line of seasoned veterans and my marketing rep will be my blocking back, opening big holes into the brick and mortar stores and other venues that had been denied me up to this point.
Every ball carrier wants a touchdown, but after a year and a half of negative yardage, I would be thrilled to get a few first downs.
It has been a long and winding road from that day I said to my wife, “I think I can write a book,” and sat down at the computer, to the day my first two novels, printed by a major publisher, were delivered to my door.
I’m ready for Chapter 4 and can’t wait to see what lies around the next bend.